It's all about me!

Painting by Harald Sohlberg

"Our selfishness knows no bounds.  In more or less naïve self-love we look upon everything in our environment with which we come in contact as our agencies, as things which exist for our sakes, something for us to make use of and utilize to our own advantage. We think and act as though everything, inanimate things, plants, animals, human beings, even our own souls, were created for the purpose of bringing gratification to our selfish desires.

And we make no exception of God.

As soon as we encounter him, we immediately look upon him as another means of gaining our own ends. Natural persons in their relation to God have this one purpose more or less consciously in mind: How can I, in the best way, make use of God for my own personal advantage? How can I make him serve me best now, in the future and throughout all eternity?

Natural persons look upon prayer, too, in this light. How can I make use of prayer to the greatest possible advantage for myself? This is the reason why the natural person seldom finds that it pays to pray regularly to God. It requires too much effort, takes too much time and is on the whole impractical, for the simple reason that one even forgets to pray.

But when the same person gets into trouble in one form or another and cannot help themselves or get help from anybody else, then they think that it might pay to pray to God. They then pray to him incessantly, often crying aloud in their distress.

And when God does not put himself at their disposal immediately and answer them, they are not only surprised, but disappointed and offended, deeply offended.

Why should there be a God, if he is not at the disposal of those who need him? That God should exist for any purpose then to satisfy people's selfish desires  does not even occur to such people.

Many are they after an experience of this kind are forever done with prayer. When you cannot get what you ask for, and in times of great need even ask for imploringly, why should you pray?"       

from Prayer by Ole Hallesby
 

The above passage by Norwegian theologian, Ole Hallesby, caused me to pause.  Throughout the day, how often do I consciously or unconsciously try to manipulate other people and things, let alone God, for my own personal advantage?  Even with such a lofty endeavor as praying, I often loom big, making God small.  Not your will, O Lord, but my will be done!

Rooms with Books

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Haman

Esther Denouncing Haman to Ahasuerus by Ernest Normand

⁹ And Haman went out that day joyful and glad of heart. But when Haman saw Mordecai in the king's gate, that he neither rose nor trembled before him, he was filled with wrath against Mordecai. ¹⁰ Nevertheless, Haman restrained himself and went home, and he sent and brought his friends and his wife Zeresh. ¹¹ And Haman recounted to them the splendor of his riches, the number of his sons, all the promotions with which the king had honored him, and how he had advanced him above the officials and the servants of the king. ¹² Then Haman said, “Even Queen Esther let no one but me come with the king to the feast she prepared. And tomorrow also I am invited by her together with the king. ¹³ Yet all this is worth nothing to me, so long as I see Mordecai the Jew sitting at the king's gate.

Esther 5:9-13

I was listening to the book of Esther on my ipod the other day, and the above passage stood out to me.  Everybody knows Haman was a very wicked man - avaricious, conniving, filled with hate and ready to exterminate God's people without cause.  His hatred for Mordecai was especially vehement because Mordecai was not afraid of him and refused to kowtow to him.  According to this passage, it appears that all of Haman's wealth and accomplishments meant nothing to him so long as Mordecai was around. 

And then I thought, is there a Haman in all of us?  We hope we are never so consumed with hatred like Haman to the point of plotting to kill, but do we harbor any bitterness toward anyone that so consume us that we cannot appreciate the blessings that we do have?  Or have we been so focused on  one thing that we don't have or can't have, that everything we do have pales in comparison? 

Training Our Minds

Painting by Edouard Vuillard

I have come gradually to understand that the liberal arts cliché about teaching you how to think is actually shorthand for a much deeper, more serious idea: learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience. Because if you cannot exercise this kind of choice in adult life, you will be totally hosed. Think of the old cliché about "the mind being an excellent servant but a terrible master". 

 - David Foster Wallace

My daughter Kathryn alerted me to this commencement speech given by David Foster Wallace at Kenyon College in 2008.  I read it last night and was struck by what he said about "learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think."  He said that the default setting of our mind is to think that we are the center of the universe.  We are so hard-wired to think that way that we are not even aware of it, like the case of fish to water.  To him, this kind of default thinking is "totally wrong and deluded" as much as it is automatic and unconscious. We therefore need to consciously break out of it and choose "to do the work of somehow altering or getting free of [our] natural, hard-wired default setting, which is to be deeply and literally self-centered and to see and interpret everything through this lens of self."   We can and need to exercise control over how and what we think instead of being swallowed up by our worship of self.  Which brings him to his next point that there is  no such thing as atheism because everybody worships something.  And most of us fall back on our default setting of the worship of self because it is unconscious and the world encourages it.  To him, the truly important kind of freedom is the effort to choose to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over again, and that is what will keep us alive rather shooting ourselves in the head.

As much as I agree with him, I feel that that is not enough.  It is still rather self focused.  I agree with him that it is within our power to experience not only meaning but compassion and love in any situation but I think he needs to go further and consider the source of that compassion and love.  It can't be me and it can't be the people I am choosing to care and sacrifice for.  I don't know about you, but "other people" can be pretty disappointing at times.  No matter how many kind thoughts and gestures we offer to others, we often come away disillusioned.  How then can we keep on thinking positively toward others, toward loving and serving them?  I think the only way is to remind ourselves of the compassion and love and sacrifice of our Lord Jesus Christ.  To me, the truly important kind of freedom is the effort to choose to love and worship God above all else, recognizing that in God we find the ultimate source of meaning, love and compassion.  It is from Him then that  we draw the power to love, care and sacrifice for others, over and over again.

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. ² Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. 

Romans 12:1-2

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; ⁶ do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God,which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  ⁸ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 

Philippians 4:4-8

Elijah in the Wilderness

Painting by Lord Frederic Leighton (1830-1896) 

But he (Elijah) went a day's journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.”  1 King 19:4

At my small group bible study not too long ago, we discussed Elijah’s wilderness experience, that part of Elijah’s narrative where he ran for his life from Jezebel who had sworn to kill him if that was the last thing she did. That story has sat with me since. Here’s Elijah, who had just witnessed the spectacular phenomenon of God sending fire from heaven to consume the bull offering set on wood submerged in water, putting to shame the other gods, who in spite of repeated manipulative pleadings by their priests could do nothing to light up their offering set on dry wood. All Elijah had to do was call out to YHWH once, and poof! fire shot down from heaven! Elijah must have felt pretty triumphant, affirmed in his own faith, if not the Israelites’, that YHWH was indeed real and He was powerful beyond measure, and that this great God listened to him. 

Shortly after this mountain top experience, he got wind that Jezebel was out for his life. This big man of God immediately buckled at his knees, cowered, and ran for his life. Granted, Jezebel was one ruthless, brutal queen, but didn’t Elijah know that he himself was one larger-than-life prophet who had the almighty God and His heavenly armies on his side? His fear of Jezebel obviously got the better of him, for off Elijah ran, to the wilderness, sat under a broom tree, felt so sorry for himself that he asked God to take his life. 
 

What struck me first about this story is how gently and kindly God handled him.  If Elijah had bemoaned his fate to me, I would have said, “Come on now Elijah, have you already forgotten what God just did with the fire from heaven?  You couldn’t have witnessed all that and now fret over what a woman could do to you?”  And then I would quote him verses from the Bible like Psalm 56:11 - in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?  Well, good thing Elijah didn’t cry to me but to God!  God did not reprimand him or give him a litany of what it means to trust Him.  Instead God sent an angel to make him a meal!  Doesn’t that just cause you to pause and wonder about this God of Elijah’s?  How gracious and kind and how aware He is not just of the spiritual but the physical and emotional needs of His people.  God’s angel came to bake Elijah a cake!  He made sure Elijah had a good meal and good rest before he was allowed on his long journey to Mt. Horeb to meet God.

I have made the mistake when friends and family come to me to express unhappiness or fear, to jump in with a long lecture about how they should trust God and remember who He is and how well He has taken care of them, etc, etc.  When what I should have done instead was let them express their sorrow, allow them to cry, and make them a special meal or treat them to their favorite restaurant.  No matter how much faith we have, life can get pretty crummy at times.  There are times when we need to remind one another about God’s faithfulness and redemptive power, but I think when fear and sorrow grip us, we should try to give each other the grace to lament, to sob, and to even exaggerate our painful existence.

Which brings me to the next thing I picked up from the wilderness narrative.  After Elijah was well fed and well rested, he took off to Mt. Horeb to meet God.  While at Mt. Horeb, Elijah cried out to God about how he had been zealous for God, how he was the only one left who was faithful while everyone else had forsaken Him.  God again allowed him to lament first, then in a whisper, gave Elijah a list of tasks to accomplish for Him while assuring him that He had 7,000 people who had neither forsaken Him nor succumbed to the worship of the false god Baal.  The common take from this part of the narrative is -- of course Elijah was so crushed and fearful for he didn’t know until then that he was not alone, and that there were all these Israelites who remained faithful to YHWH.  This is what we get when we don’t read the biblical narratives from beginning to end!  For a few chapters before this, we learned that Elijah had run into Obadiah, another faithful man of God, who had told Elijah that he had hid a hundred prophets in caves when Jezebel tried to kill all of YHWH’s prophets.  I am not here trying to implicate Elijah for exaggerating his dilemma, just pointing out that, like Elijah, we often feel forsaken and alone when life gets overwhelming even when we know in reality that that is not the case.   

Hopefully, the next time someone approaches me with her fear, I would remember God’s graciousness and gentleness toward Elijah, and be slow to admonish, quick to listen and empathize, allowing her to exaggerate her fears, seeking first to shore up her strength by  meeting her present physical and emotional needs in offering her some form of “angel food cake!”  

And for all of us, when the Jezebels of this world come after us, let us run to God to hide and weep, He will not spurn us but gently and lovingly restore us like He did with Elijah.

On a side note, we are not told if Jezebel ever caught up with Elijah.  Elijah with renewed strength and assurance carried out what God commanded him to do (there comes a time when wallowing needs to come to an end)  and was duly taken up to heaven in a whirlwind.  Jezebel lived long enough to make life hell for several more people, but died with makeup on and, as prophesied, with her body shredded by dogs!

Life is Earnest

Painting by Jacob van Strij (1756–1815)


I was recently reminded of a poem that I first heard from my father. It's A Psalm of Life by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. I can see my dad with my mind's eye, smiling as he often did, telling me not to live life like dumb driven cattle but to be a hero in the strife of life. I don't think he particularly meant doing heroic things, but rather living life purposefully.

As I read the poem anew, I am impressed by Longfellow's reminder to live life fully in the present. Our past shapes us, our future directs us, but we need to live earnestly in the here and now, with a sense of purpose that is beyond ourselves.

Here is the poem:

A PSALM OF LIFE
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world’s broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act,— act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o’erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.