A Time to Contemplate

Fisherman's Cottage by Harald Sohlberg

So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom...Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days...Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands! (Psalm 90:12, 14, 17)

In April 2012, I was diagnosed with musK myasthenia gravis, a neuro-muscular, auto immune disorder that greatly compromised the strength of my voluntary muscles. Without treatment, I would be feeling tired and weak all the time—seeing double, having difficulty keeping my eyelids up, swallowing, walking, holding my head, speaking, and breathing.  The first symptom of double vision manifested itself in November 2011, soon to be followed by others, one after another.  In the months prior to proper diagnosis and treatment, I was quite afraid, not knowing what to expect as the muscles of my body shut down one after another.

Since the medication kicked in, I have been able to function better, some days better than others. When I am feeling well, I forget (and let those around me forget) that I have this chronic illness, and that I am artificially propped up by steroids.  I did not want MG to define me, determined to live life as normally as I had been, adamant about not letting it limit me.

Lately, however, I am beginning to question the wisdom of it all.  Yes, MG does not define me, but like it or not, it is as much a part of who I am now as my age, ethnicity, marital status, etc. As a married woman, for example, my lifestyle is different from that of a single woman in many respects. As someone living with MG, why do I think I could live life like I used to? Or worse, live life like others who are in good health?  Instead of battling my new status, I need to learn to embrace it with grace.  It will hopefully cut down on the lament and the envy. 

It is in accepting the limits that this sickness has set on me that I can begin to live life fully within its constraints.  It will not be the life I used to have as I am no longer the physically healthy me. But I can become a better me by accepting and living within my new limitations.  There will be times I will disappoint those around me, especially myself, because we live in a world that values outward accomplishment and activity, both of which will now be much curtailed for me.

Living with MG happily allows me to lead a more contemplative life. The need to close my eyes throughout the day provides me with time to think and especially to pray.  Because of my limited energy, I am now forced to eliminate or restrict unnecessary activities and concerns.  To conserve the strength of my eyes, I learn to rely more on my ears--to listen to the Bible, to books like Middlemarch read by Juliet Stevenson, to sermons by Sinclair Ferguson and Tim Keller, and to the great music of Chopin, Rachmaninoff, and Schubert.  Though my voice may sound crackly and my words garbled at times, I can still laugh (though crookedly) and jibber-jabber with family and friends (maybe not for long nor with as much wit!).

And above all, the constant need to rest assures me of time alone with my God, to come to him for love, respite, comfort, and strength...to reach up to my Heavenly Father for his warm, loving embrace throughout the day!

I say, that sounds to me like a pretty full and special way to live!